Tag Archives: Christmas songs

Tolerable Xmas Records (5)

 You scumbag, you maggot

You cheap lousy faggot

Happy Christmas your arse

I pray god it’s our last

They dont write Christmas lyrics like that anymore…

Nor like thses…

You aint getting shit for Christmas

You can stick that fruitcake up your arse

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Tolerable Xmas Records (4)

Tonight, according to popular mythology, a big fat man in a red suit may be coming down your chimney with a little something for the kids.

No, not a very determined paedophile… it’s Santa Claus.  But will he be visting all the neighbourhoods ? He will if James Brown has anything to do with it…

In a perfect world – well, my kind of perfect world anyway – Santa Claus would be replaced by Eartha Kitt.  Can you imagine her coming down your chimney ?

I can… indeed at this time of year I imagine little else. I have a good imagination (sigh…).

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Tolerable Xmas Records (3)

I’ll let you into a secret – I hate the song ‘White Christmas’  in its original version.  It drones along, a malformed slice of seasonal tedium, just like all the ones we used to know.

But as it has been brought into the world, we might as well get someone to record a good version of it. Sort of stripped back, soulful, nice brass section,  schmaltz-free, recorded by someone like, oh I dunno… Otis Redding perhaps ?

Wouldn’t that be worth hearing ?

 

Carla Thomas is a midwinter child, born around the Shortest Day (December 21, 1942), the daughter of Rufus Thomas, no stranger to seasonal opportunism himself (‘I’ll Be your Santa Baby‘).

Described by some as the Queen of Memphis Soul, she also dueted with Otis Redding (notably on ‘Tramp’) and in 1963 released what may just about be my favorite Tolerable Xmas Record – ‘Gee Whiz, It’s Christmas‘)

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Tolerable Xmas Records (2)

A couple on a theme here… Christmas behind bars.

The Youngsters Christmas In Jail

 

Reverend J.M. GatesDid You Spend Christmas Day In Jail ?

 

From 1914 to his death in 1945 , Gates was the pastor of Mount Calvary Baptist Church in Rock Dale Park, Atlanta, Georgia. He had a very prolific recording career, recording over 200 sides between 1926 and 1941, including frequent rerecordings. Experts estimate that at least a quarter of all sermons commercially released on record before 1943 were recorded by Gates.

Many of his recordings were strong warnings of the hellish punishments that awaited sinners – his first best-seller, 1926’s “Death’s Black Train Is Coming”, sold 35,000 copies by the end of its release year.

Gates is credited with introducing the gospel music of former blues artist Thomas A. Dorsey into the black gospel market via his crusades. His funeral drew the largest crowd of any memorial service in the city before Martin Luther King, Jr

 

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Tolerable Xmas Records (1)

With the possible exception of the Eurovision Song Contest, no regular event in history has been responsible for so many  aural turkeys (seasonal allusion intended).

Unike the Eurovision Song Contest, however, Christmas does occasionally throw up something worthwhile.  We’ve sifted through the tons of shit to reveal the odd diamond, so that you dont have to.

Over the next few days we’ll be posting a selection of Tolerable Xmas Records – our seasonal gift to you. Enjoy !

TOM WAITSChristmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis

The weird thing is, if you hadn’t heard this and were speculating what a Tom Waits Christmas song might sound like, you’d probably expect it to  include references to hookers living above dirty bookstores, dope, whisky,  Little Anthony & The Imperials, Omaha, prison, used car lots, guys who play the trombone…

 

CAN –  Silent Night

As Tom topped and tailed his offering with Silent Night, we may as well continue the theme with this Krautrock reworking from the 1970s….

 

More tolerable xmas songs tomorrow. Ho ho ho…

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Almanac – December 25

card

 

A happy Midwinter festival (Midsummer in the southern hemisphere) of your choice to all our readers.

The Robin in the picture is the one that’s hanging around my garden this winter.  They’re generally pretty inquisitive birds, but this one is positively fearless.

 

This  Christmas song is made up of bits of all the other Christmas songs – truly the soundtrack for Xmas In Hell !

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1066 – William the Conqueror  crowned king of England, at Westminster Abbey, London.

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1137 – Saladin born. Salāh ad-Dīn Yūsuf ibn Ayyūb,  Kurdish Muslim, who became the first Sultan of Egypt and Syria, and founded the Ayyubid dynasty. He led Muslim opposition to the Franks and other European Crusaders in the Levant. At the height of his power, his sultanate included Egypt, Syria, Mesopotamia, Hejaz, Yemen, and parts of North Africa.

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1924 – Rod Serling born.  American screenwriter, novelist, television producer, and narrator best known for his live television dramas of the 1950s and his science fiction anthology TV series, The Twilight Zone. Serling was active in politics, both on and off the screen and helped form television industry standards. He was known as the “angry young man” of Hollywood, clashing with television executives and sponsors over a wide range of issues including censorship, racism, and war.

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1925 – Carlos Castaneda born. Peruvian author and student of anthropology. Starting with The Teachings of Don Juan in 1968, Castaneda wrote a series of books that describe his alleged training in shamanism.

The books, narrated in the first person, relate his supposed experiences under the tutelage of a Yaqui “Man of Knowledge” named Don Juan Matus. Critics have suggested that they are works of fiction; supporters claim the books are either true or at least valuable works of philosophy and descriptions of practices which enable an increased awareness.

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1950 – The Stone of Scone, traditional coronation stone of British monarchs, was taken from Westminster Abbey by Scottish nationalist students. ( It later turned up in Scotland on April 11, 1951.)

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2008 – Eartha Kitt died. American singer, actress, and cabaret star.  Orson Welles once called her the “most exciting woman in the world.”

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