You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray god it’s our last
They dont write Christmas lyrics like that anymore…
Nor like thses…
You aint getting shit for Christmas
You can stick that fruitcake up your arse
Tonight, according to popular mythology, a big fat man in a red suit may be coming down your chimney with a little something for the kids.
No, not a very determined paedophile… it’s Santa Claus. But will he be visting all the neighbourhoods ? He will if James Brown has anything to do with it…
In a perfect world – well, my kind of perfect world anyway – Santa Claus would be replaced by Eartha Kitt. Can you imagine her coming down your chimney ?
I can… indeed at this time of year I imagine little else. I have a good imagination (sigh…).
I’ll let you into a secret – I hate the song ‘White Christmas’ in its original version. It drones along, a malformed slice of seasonal tedium, just like all the ones we used to know.
But as it has been brought into the world, we might as well get someone to record a good version of it. Sort of stripped back, soulful, nice brass section, schmaltz-free, recorded by someone like, oh I dunno… Otis Redding perhaps ?
Wouldn’t that be worth hearing ?
Carla Thomas is a midwinter child, born around the Shortest Day (December 21, 1942), the daughter of Rufus Thomas, no stranger to seasonal opportunism himself (‘I’ll Be your Santa Baby‘).
Described by some as the Queen of Memphis Soul, she also dueted with Otis Redding (notably on ‘Tramp’) and in 1963 released what may just about be my favorite Tolerable Xmas Record – ‘Gee Whiz, It’s Christmas‘)
A couple on a theme here… Christmas behind bars.
The Youngsters – Christmas In Jail
Reverend J.M. Gates – Did You Spend Christmas Day In Jail ?
From 1914 to his death in 1945 , Gates was the pastor of Mount Calvary Baptist Church in Rock Dale Park, Atlanta, Georgia. He had a very prolific recording career, recording over 200 sides between 1926 and 1941, including frequent rerecordings. Experts estimate that at least a quarter of all sermons commercially released on record before 1943 were recorded by Gates.
Many of his recordings were strong warnings of the hellish punishments that awaited sinners – his first best-seller, 1926’s “Death’s Black Train Is Coming”, sold 35,000 copies by the end of its release year.
Gates is credited with introducing the gospel music of former blues artist Thomas A. Dorsey into the black gospel market via his crusades. His funeral drew the largest crowd of any memorial service in the city before Martin Luther King, Jr
With the possible exception of the Eurovision Song Contest, no regular event in history has been responsible for so many aural turkeys (seasonal allusion intended).
Unike the Eurovision Song Contest, however, Christmas does occasionally throw up something worthwhile. We’ve sifted through the tons of shit to reveal the odd diamond, so that you dont have to.
Over the next few days we’ll be posting a selection of Tolerable Xmas Records – our seasonal gift to you. Enjoy !
TOM WAITS – Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis
The weird thing is, if you hadn’t heard this and were speculating what a Tom Waits Christmas song might sound like, you’d probably expect it to include references to hookers living above dirty bookstores, dope, whisky, Little Anthony & The Imperials, Omaha, prison, used car lots, guys who play the trombone…
CAN – Silent Night
As Tom topped and tailed his offering with Silent Night, we may as well continue the theme with this Krautrock reworking from the 1970s….
More tolerable xmas songs tomorrow. Ho ho ho…